Your mouth is God's brothel.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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