I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
me + whiskey = a bad person
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
