Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
