I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
