marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
