Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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