dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
