I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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