Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
