made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
