My cat gives me a boner
My balls are so social today.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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