She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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