I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
