Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
