Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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