woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
