O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Randomize
