Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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