If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize