I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
