I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
