Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
