Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
