Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
