K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
