Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
