My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
