a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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