Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
