So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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