And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
