can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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