I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
