if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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