she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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