there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
