What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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