it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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