I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
