Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
