On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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