I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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