i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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