you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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