im drinking this country out of the recession.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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