So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
