im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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