if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
