It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
