Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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