my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
