You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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