remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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