I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
