I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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