Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
