you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
