i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
