At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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