He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
