My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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