***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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